


Hurts to Understand

by BitterRenegade



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Alternate Timeline Death, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Gen, It’s not my birthday, Lilith messed me up, Other, So did Belphie, Spoilers, Traumatized MC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23041342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: SPOILERS UP TILL THE END OF LESSON 18It’s Lord Diavolo’s birthday, and I’m still struggling to come to terms with what happened.
Relationships: Beelzebub & Belphegor & Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Belphegor & Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Belphegor/Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 93





	Hurts to Understand

**Author's Note:**

> Yeaaah this is self indulgent. I needed to fix my qualms with some stuff.
> 
> Made this as gender neutral as possible tho

They always used to tell me I was too curious. Drawn to adventure and trouble like no one else. If my family and friends could see me now, an exchange student in the Devildom of all places… well… They’d probably say that it suited me. The odd and the interesting pulled me in like nothing else, but with each passing day… the odd and the interesting began to scare me.

Only a year. A year of my existence, and then back home I’d go. The devil brothers would live for an eternity in comparison to me. They probably wouldn’t even remember me once I was gone. Once they realized that I wasn’t Lilith, or any sort of replacement for her… they’d forget me in a blink. What was, to me, a fair chunk of time likely meant little to them in the grand scheme of things.

Still, it was better for me to focus on the present. Enjoy what time I had with everyone before I went back to my regular day-to-day grind. Today was Diavolo’s birthday, and the party was sure to be interesting… especially since Mammon was already trying to steal from Diavolo’s castle.

I let out a small sigh, lips quirking upwards into a small smile as I watched Lucifer begin to scold the devil who I’d first entered into a pack with. Lucifer reached out with a gloved hand and tugged on Mammon’s tail, and I couldn’t help but cover my mouth to hide my giggle.

“Owwwww!” the white-haired man whined. “D-Don’t pull on my tail! OWWWW!”

Levi and Belphegor stood on either side of me, the youngest of the brothers leaning over to catch my attention, his tail blocking my view of the punishment being inflicted on his older brother. “Careful, _____. Mammon’s stupidity levels are so off the charts that watching him might cause your brain cells to rot.”

The comment was funny enough to make me laugh, even with my discomfort at the closeness between us. It was hard to shake off the remaining fear from my near-death time-travelling experience. His overjoyed smile, the warmth in his voice before I couldn’t breathe--

“Belphie, Belphie!” Beel hugged me from behind, just the distraction I needed. “Let’s all grab some food together!”

Being close to Beel was different. His hug was crushing, but not on purpose. Like someone still trying to figure out their strength. Warm, strong, excitable Beelzebub.

“Sure,” Belphie shrugged, looking at his brother fondly. Beel released me, but shifted so that he and Belphie were walking on either side of me as we made our way towards the tables with buffet-styled food and drink. 

Maybe if I was Lilith, I would enjoy this more. 

Instead, even with my connection to most of the brothers… our fabricated friendships, it felt like I was just an outsider watching a story play out before my eyes. Sure, things had seemed to be improving in the weeks since Belphie was freed from the attic, but everything I was feeling…

It was really weighing me down. And it wasn’t like I could actually talk to anyone in the Devildom about how I was feeling. I was just… a human. A stupid, useless human who had a tendency to stick their nose where it didn’t belong.

Beel stacked a plate full of food, Belphie making himself one that was about half as full as his brother’s (and likely way too much for him, the cat-like devil was probably expecting Beel to snatch food off of his plate). Following their lead, I began to inspect the various dishes, noting which ones Beel seemed to like the most that  _ wouldn’t _ poison me and getting myself an over-abundance of it with the expectation that Beel would steal from me. Thankfully sushi existed. Barbatos was always good about prepping food that I could also enjoy at these events. I took small nibbles, sitting with the twins and occasionally giving my two cents, but the party scene wasn’t really my thing.

“Are you having a good time?” Belphegor asked me, specifically, after I had clearly begun to space out and become overly-critical towards myself.

I forced a grin. “Of course!”

At this point, Beel had already devoured his food as well as what had been left on mine and Belphie’s, and the ginger-haired devil had made his way back to get another obscenely large serving of food.

Belphegor smiled, turning his head to look straight ahead and away from me. He could tell that I was lying, I knew it. “Well then, good.” The two of us stayed silent for a few moments, the music playing in the background and the conversation of other party-goers acting as white noise to me. “..To be honest,” at the sound of his voice, I focused my gaze on the boy whose age exceeded mine by many millenia. “...I wasn’t particularly enthused about coming here.” he smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. Was that how I looked when I smiled at them? “Parties have never really been my thing, after all.”

“Yeah… me too,” I admitted. Belphie’s eyes met mine, then quickly averted.

“For a while, I wasn’t sure whether I was going to come today, but I figured if  _ you _ were going, I had no choice, you know?”

My stomach churned. I didn’t want to take away their choices. Any of them. All this pact business, I wasn’t going to abuse it-- It wasn’t going to, because I was me, not just because of Lilith… Because from what they all told me about her, I felt like she wouldn’t have done anything with their pacts-- “You didn’t need to come here because of me,” I blurted out. “All of you do so much for me--” food I don’t want. Hugs, praise, smiles that I don’t want. I’m not Lilith,  _ I’m not Lilith--! _ “It’s not like I’ve actually done anything for all of you to be so…” Nice. ...Clingy, in Mammon’s case. 

I hadn’t done anything but cause trouble. 

My hands clenched tightly into fists as I fought back the influx of stressful emotions that I’d been holding back. Not now, not now, not-- “You have a choice,” my voice cracked with emotion and I began to nervously wring my hands together.

If I’d had the courage to look at him, I would have seen the stunned look on Belphegor’s face. Neither of us were entirely certain what to do around one another, but we were good at faking it. Playing games with Levi, teasing Mammon…

_ Don’t cry, don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry we’re at a party you need to be stronger than this-- _

Footsteps seemed louder, and I nearly lurched back when Belphie’s hand touched my shoulder. I looked up at Belphie with brief panic, and then felt an enormous amount of guilt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry--”

“Did you grab yourself a drink?” Belphegor cut me off, a tight smile on his lips. “Diavolo’s speech is starting now.”

I shook my head, not trusting my voice. Belphie nodded and stood up, pulling me along with him by the hand and handing me a glass of something.

“Take a few sips, and calm down.”

When I nodded, Belphegor smiled down at me and nodded in approval. “... Looks like the prince is here now.” 

I turned my attention towards the stage, Diavolo reaching a microphone that had been set up, and he began to speak in all his muscled, shirtless glory. “Hello there! I’d like to thank you all for coming here tonight on my behalf. It would seem that today’s my birthday,” I snickered a bit. “By the way, could anyone here possibly tell me how old I am now? Because I’d like to know myself.”

Laughter erupted from the crowd and I even found the humor in it. Glancing around, though, I realized that Belphegor was no longer around me. In fact, I couldn’t spot  _ any _ of the demon brothers in my immediate vicinity. And then, as I began to scan through the crowd to find someone, anyone, that I knew…

Diavolo announced the other guest of honor.

Me.

At my alarmed look, the young prince grinned and waved me over. “Yes, you!”

“It’s not my birthday!” I hissed out, feeling eyes on me. Too many, too many,  _ too many _ . At my reaction, Diavolo seemed to realize my shock and discomfort and quickly nodded towards Barbatos, and the people I didn’t know all looked away from me as the red-haired prince moved to speak with me more personally. 

“...I take it that Lucifer and his brothers must have wanted this to be a surprise for you,” Diavolo noted, frowning.

“Well, they got what they wanted,” I forced out a laugh, placing my glass down on the nearby table and hugging myself. Thank goodness that the outfit Asmo had picked out for me had long sleeves, so I was able to pick at them with my fingers.

Understanding appeared on Diavolo’s face and he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, shielding me from the view of guests that were specifically his. “You see, _____, tonight’s party is being thrown for you as well. It seems that Lucifer and the others would all like to express their appreciation.” At my uncertainty, the devil grinned and laughed a bit. “Did you think that they bought all of those presents for me alone?”

Well, yeah. Actually, I  _ did _ think that.

With that, the devil brothers all crowded around me, handing me presents one at a time. Mammon was being his usual self-conscious self, making long-winded explanations about his gift. Levi was simpler, and also self-deprecating. I would have to let him know when I wasn’t as overwhelmed how much I liked his gift. All the brothers gave me presents, thanking me, and Lucifer was the one that made me feel extremely guilty with his statement about not being able to properly communicate their appreciation for me. For  _ me _ , but I couldn’t help but think that he meant  _ Lilith _ .

It felt like if a pin dropped, we would be able to hear it just as I muttered: “But I haven’t  _ done _ anything special.”

Mammon slouched a bit. “It might seem that way to you, sure.”

They didn’t get it.

“But to us,” Beel cut in, a gentle smile on his face. “What you’ve done is really, really special. And you’re really, really special to us as a person, too.”

I was just the  _ replacement _ .

“Wait a minute,” Satan’s voice caught the attention of the devil brothers who were trying to get through to me. “You know, I don’t see Belphie anywhere around…”

Levi stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Well, he seems pretty socially awkward too, so I’m not surprised.”

While the brothers bickered about Belphie, their attention no longer on me, I took a step back. Air, I’d go out for some air and… maybe look around for Belphie. Or, at least, that would be my excuse if anyone interrogated me.

Away from the noise and the people, away from Lilith’s brothers... The cooler outside air brought a comfort to me that I didn’t expect. I walked for a bit, eyes following the shapes that were reminiscent of stars and the moon. Not real, of course. Not like back on Earth. However, I still had to admit that Lord Diavolo really did have a lovely home, and a lovely kingdom. I followed a cobblestone path through a garden, the sound of water relaxing me. Was there a lake? Maybe I’d just stay outside for the rest of the party, even if I was alone…

It was better than being surrounded by people who didn’t really see  _ me _ . 

As I followed the garden path towards the small lake on Lord Diavolo’s estate, my throat tightened as I saw a set of horns and a tail that I’d last seen on that day… when I’d been killed. 

Since I thought about it a lot, I had a good idea of why Belphie had done it. I knew how guilty he felt afterwards, since to him it was like the death of his younger sister all over again. And with the way that the brothers all interacted, with the threats and the fighting and… they were all able to take a beating. Not like me… or the other me.

But that version of me was gone now, seemingly forgotten by everyone around me. It hurt, because while there had been apologies… while there had been closure for the demon’s that I had spent the last while living with…

They all accepted me so readily once the truth about Lilith came out. Even though their youngest brother had just  _ killed _ me. Even though I had been dying right in front of them.

...It would be weird now, if I just turned around and left. So I walked towards him at a leisurely pace.

Belphie’s head turned in my direction. “...Oh, I was wondering who was there. So, it’s you…” Tiredly, I smiled at the demon and moved towards the water. “Are you sure it’s okay for you to be heading off by yourself and coming to a spot like this?” When I didn’t respond, instead kneeling next to the water, Belphagor spoke up again. “They must have told you by now that you’re tonight’s other guest of honor, right?”

I could see my reflection in the water, distorting as the water moved gently. “...Parties aren’t my thing,” I mumbled, knowing he could still hear me.

Moving to kneel next to me, the lanky demon gave me a shaky smile as I looked at him directly. “Needed to escape for a bit?”

I nodded my head, Belphie’s tail curling around me. “...Yeah. And Satan noticed that you weren’t at the party, so I thought I could look for you too.”

“What, are you some sort of expert at finding me or something?”

Was Lilith?

With a shaky smile, I shook my head. “It wasn’t like I was  _ trying _ to find you so soon.”

The light seemed to catch on the whites in Belphie’s hair, making it look almost-silver as he let out a sigh, switching to a seated pose and dangling his legs over the water. “And after I went through all the trouble of slipping out of that party and coming here to relax in peace…” I moved to copy him, taking my shoes off just in case, and the youngest devil looked almost serene as he spoke at me. “But still, if I’m being honest… I had a feeling you might come after me.”

“...Would you rather be alone?” I asked him. It wasn’t like the two of us being alone together was relaxing, exactly.

“I didn’t say that, did I?” I looked back down at the water, and could see his reflection frowning at me as I avoided his gaze. “Has everyone already given you their presents?”

I forced a grin onto my face and nodded. “Yeah, they did.” 

It wouldn’t do me any good to be ungrateful.

“...I see,” his tail curled a bit more around me, keeping the chill from reaching my skin. “I’m guessing they gave you some nice stuff.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and the discomfort began to lessen from me as we looked over the lake and the odd stars and the Devildom moon.

“...You know, I had a hard time deciding what to get you for a present,” Belphegor told me, looking away. Before I could tell him he didn’t have to, he continued. “Maybe this isn’t very original of me, but…”

“_____, how would you like to make me yours?”

I flinched at his words, multiple connotations running through my head. “ _ What _ ?!”

The avatar of sloth snickered at my reaction. “Don’t be so shocked. I’m asking if you’ll make a pact with me.”

Looking into his eyes, I could tell that he was serious. But I could still remember his refusal when Solomon had asked him about it. How he didn’t want to make a pact with anyone. “...I thought…” I frowned, wringing my hands together. Why? And why  _ now _ ? “I thought you said you didn’t want to do that.”

Was it because of Lilith?

“I did say that before, yeah…” he let out a shaky breath. “I know that when we ran into Solomon in town, I made it sound like I wasn’t interested in making a pact with anyone at all… but you don’t seem like you’d turn me into your own personal servant, working me like a slave and making absurd demands and stuff.”

“Oh…”

“Also, I’d like it if I could be the closest demon to you… the first one you turn to for help whenever you need it.”

_ Why _ .

“So, then, let’s make it official,” he held out his hand to me, and I shifted my gaze from his smiling face to his hand, my grip on my own beginning to turn my knuckles white. “Here’s to a long and lasting relationship.”

“No.” Belphie’s face fell at the one word, and the words I had tried to hold back began spilling forth. “Why now? Why do you want to make a pack with  _ me _ ? Is it… is it because of Lilith?” Tears began to pool in my eyes as I said her name, and I began to shiver even though Belphie’s tail was keeping the cold away. “Is it because you killed me?” the dam broke, and liquid began to drip down my cheeks as Belphie sat there next to me, his eyes wide as I continued to ramble out questions. “I understand if it’s because of what happened to you sister, or because you feel guilty, or that you feel that you need to protect me to make up for things… but I don’t  _ want _ these pacts… I don’t want power, I just want to forget any of this ever happened!” I blurted out, gasping at my admission then covering my mouth with my hands as I began to outright sob.

After a few tense, heavy minutes where the only sounds around us were my sniffles and cries and the water, Belphegor carefully tugged me into a hug.

“...It’s not because you’re Lilith’s descendant that I want to protect you and keep you safe,” he choked out, voice full of emotion. “Lilith was very special to me, she was my sister… But I know that you’re not  _ her _ , ______.”

Hesitantly, I wrapped my arms around Belphie and tried to calm myself down. “B-but are you doing it because you feel guilty?”

“I’ll  _ never _ forgive myself for what I did,” his grip tightened slightly, but carefully. Like he knew that I would get scared. “There’s no excusing it. I was angry, and I lashed out… but it doesn’t change the fact that I want to make a pact with you because you’re  _ you _ .”

We stayed like that for a while longer as I let the last of my tears fall, exhaustion beginning to hit me. “...Do you really mean it?”

With a nod, Belphie pulled back so he could look me in the eye, a gentle, caring look in his eyes and a soft smile on his lips. “I do. And don’t you forget it.”

I started laughing a bit, holding out my hand to Belphie much like he’d done earlier, now feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me. A big, stupid grin on my face. “Here’s to a long and lasting friendship.”

Letting a short laugh, Belphie took my hand and brushed his lips against them. “...Should we head back to the party?”

Considering it for a moment, I nodded. “Yeah… if we’re away for much longer your brothers will get worried.”

“Alright,” Belphie stood up and let out a yawn, then held out a hand to help me up. I took it, and began to walk hand-in-hand back the way we came. “I’m going to make up for what I did to you, _____. I promise.”

With a new understanding, I smiled and walked closer beside Belphegor. “...I know.”


End file.
